Balloons

A small boy walks into his mother's room and catches her topless.

"Mommy! Mommy! What are those?" He says, pointing to her breasts.

"Well, son," she explains, "These are balloons, and when you die, they inflate and float you up to heaven.

Incredibly, he appears to believe his mother's story and goes off, quite satisfied.

A few days later, the little boy comes running home to get his mother from the kitchen.

"Mommy! Mommy! Aunt Jenny is dying the boy screams."

"What do you mean?" his mother asks.

"Well, she's out in the garden shed, lying on the floor with both of her balloons out, and Dad's trying to blow 'em up for her and she keeps yelling 'God, I'm coming!!'."

When you kick off

Over breakfast one morning, a little boy kept staring intently at his grandfather. '1s anything the matter, son?' the old man asked.

'No, Gramps. I was just wondering what position you play in the football team.'

'What are? You talking about?' laughed Gramps. 'I'm far too old to play football.'

'Oh,' said the little. Boy. 'It's just that Dad' said that when you kicked off, we'd be able to afford a new car.'

Taking a Final Exam

The blonde reported for her university final examination which consists of “yes/no” type questions? She took her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration took her purse out, removed a coin and started tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet -Yes For Heads and No for Tails.

Within half an hour she is all done whereas the rest of the class was sweating it out.

During the last few minutes, she was seen desperately throwing the coin, swearing and sweating.

The moderator, alarmed, approached her and asked what was going on.

"I finished the exam in half an hour. But," she said, "I am rechecking my answers."

Children's Books That Didn't Make It

1) You're Different -- And That's Bad

2) The Boy Who Died from Eating All His Vegetables

3) Robert: Dad's New Wife

4) Fun Four-Letter Words to Know and Share

5) The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking

6) Kathy Was So Bad That her Mom Stopped Loving Her

7) Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence

8) All Cats Go to Hell

9) The Little Sissy That Snitched

10) Why Can't Mr. Fork and Mrs. Electrical Outlet be Friends?

11) That's It; I'm Putting You Up for Adoption.

12) Grandpa Gets a Casket

13) 101 Things You Can Do at the Bottom of the Pool

14) The Magic World Inside the Abandoned Refrigerator

15) Controlling the Playground: Respect Through Fear

16) The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy

17) Strangers Have the Best Candy

18) Whining, Kicking and Crying to Get Your Way

19) You Were an Accident

20) Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will

21) Daddy Drinks Because You Cry

22) Your Nightmares Are Real

23) Where Would You Like to be Buried?

24) You've Got Hepatitis B, Charlie Brown

25) Valuable Protein and Other Nutritional Benefits of Things from Your Nose

51 Days

Two blondes walk into a bar, each orders a drink. They go and sit down and start toasting and cheering, "51 days! 51 Days!!" About five minutes later, another blonde walks in,Orders a drink, and joins the other two in the cheering.

Finally, another blonde walks in with what looks like a Cardboard picture. She puts the picture thing in the middle of the table, and starts cheering with the others, "51 days!

51 days!! The Bar Tender starts too get really curious, so he walks over to discover that the picture is a Cookie Monster Puzzle. He walks over to one of the blondes and asks, "What on earth are you doing??" "Well," the blonde says, "everyone thinks blondes are so stupid, so we proved them wrong. On the box of this puzzle, it says 2-4 years, but we finished it in only 51 days!!!

When Jane initially met Tarzan of the Jungle

When Jane initially met Tarzan of the Jungle, she was attracted to him, and during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex. "Tarzan not know sex," he replied.

Jane explained to him what sex was.

Tarzan said, "Oh, Tarzan use hole in trunk of tree."

Horrified, she said, "Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly."

She took off her clothes and lay down on the ground. "Here," she said. "You must put it in here."

Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer with his huge erection, and then gave her an almighty kick right in the crotch. Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity. Eventually she managed to gasp for air and screamed, "What did you do that for?"

"Tarzan check for bees."