Satan's Sister

One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in tiny Smithville wakes up early and goes to their local church.

Before the service starts, the townspeople sit in their pews and talk about their lives, their families, etc.

Suddenly, at the altar, Satan appears!!

Everyone starts screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in their determined efforts to get away from Evil Incarnate.

Soon, everyone is evacuated from the church except for one man, who sit calmly in his pew, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy is in his presence.

This confuses Satan a bit. Satan walks up to the man and says, "Hey, don't you know who I am?"

The man says, "Yep, sure do."

Satan says, "Well, aren't you afraid of me?"

The man says, "Nope, sure isn’t."

Satan, perturbed, says, "And why aren't you afraid of me?"

"Well, I've been married to your sister for 25 years."

Michael the Dragon Master

Michael the Dragon Master was an official in King Arthur's court. He had a long standing obsession - to nuzzle the beautiful Queen's voluptuous breasts. But he knew the penalty for this would be death. One day he revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio, who was the King's chief physician.

Horatio said, "I can arrange it, but I will need 1,000 gold coins to pay bribes".

Michael the Dragon Master readily agreed.

The next day Horatio made up a batch of itching lotion. He then poured a little of it into the Queens brassiere while she was taking a bath. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and quickly grew in intensity.

When called to the royal chambers, Horatio told the King that only special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure his type of itch. He further explained that test had shown such saliva was only to be found in Michael the Dragon Master's mouth.

King Arthur summoned Michael the Dragon Master and issued the Imperial command. Michael the Dragon Master slipped the antidote to the itching lotion, which Horatio had given him, into his mouth. For the next four hours he worked passionately on the Queen's magnificent breasts.

Satisfied, he returned to his chamber and found Horatio demanding payment. However, with his obsession now satisfied, he refused to pay Horatio anything and shooed him away, knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King.

The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching lotion into King Arthur's loincloth. Michael the Dragon Master was again summoned by the King...

Olympic Condoms

A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand: "Olympic Condoms." Impressed, he buys a pack. Upon arriving home he announces to his wife the purchase he just made.

"Olympic condoms?" she blurts. "What makes them so special?"

"They're in three colors," he replies, "gold, silver, and bronze."

"What color are you planning on wearing tonight?" she asks cheekily.

"Why, gold, of course," says the man proudly.

"Really?" she responds. "Why don't you wear the silver tonight? It'd be nice if you came second for a change."

What a Wife

After the annual office christmas party blowout, john woke up with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed, and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening.

After a trip to the bathroom he was able to make his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.

"Louise," he moaned, "tell me what went on last night. Was it as bad as I think?"

"Even worse," she assured him in her most scornful one. "you made a complete ass of yourself, succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors, and insulted the chairman of the company to his face."

"He's an arrogant, self-important prick, piss on him!"

"You did. All over his suit, " Louise informed him. "and he fired you."

"Well, f*** him," said john.

"I did. you're back at work on Monday."

Shall we Dance?

Two men at a bar had been enjoying a few drinks for the past couple of hours and were pretty drunk when one of them notices a beautiful woman sitting in the corner.

One says to the other, "jeez, I'd really like to dance with that girl."

The other man replies, "Well, go ahead and ask her, don't be a chicken s***."

So the man approaches the lovely woman and says, "Excuse me. Would you be so kind as to dance with me?"

Seeing the man is totally drunk the woman says, "I'm sorry. Right now I'm contemplating on matrimony, and I'd rather sit than dance."

So the man humbly returns to his friend "So what did she say?" asks the friend.

The drunk responded, "She said she's constipated on macaroni, and would rather s*** in her pants."

The Bunny and the Snake

Once upon a time, allegedly, in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake. By surprising coincidence both were blind from birth. One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down. This, of course, knocked the snake about quite a bit.

'Oh, my,' said the bunny, 'I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I've been blind since birth, so, I can't see where I'm going. In fact, since I'm also an orphan, I don't even know what I am.'

'It's quite OK,' replied the snake. 'Actually, my story is much the same as yours. I, too, have been blind since birth, and also never knew my mother. Tell you what, maybe I could slither all over you, and work out what you are, so at least you'll have that going for you.'

'Oh, that would be wonderful,' replied the bunny. So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, 'Well, you're covered with soft fur; you have really long ears; your nose twitches; and you have a soft cottony tail. I'd say that you must be a bunny rabbit.'

'Oh, thank you! Thank you,' cried the bunny in obvious excitement.

The bunny suggested to the snake, 'Maybe I could feel you all over with my paw, and help you the same way you've helped me.' So the bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked, 'Well, you're scaly and smooth, and you have a forked tongue, no backbone and no balls. I'd say you must be either an accountant, or possibly someone in senior management.'