Stomping

One day, a little boy, was outside in the backyard stomping on honeybees.

When his father came out and saw what the little boy was doing, he made him stop right away and told the little boy, "That's it for you. No honey for a week."

Well, then the little boy went to the front yard of the house and started stomping on butterflies. When his father saw what Teddy was doing, he made him stop right away and said, "Stomping on butterflies is a terrible thing to do. Just for that, no butter for a week."

After that, little boy and his father went into the kitchen and saw the little boy's mother stomping on cockroaches.

The little boy turned to his father and said, "Should I tell her or should you?"

Four Catholic Ladies

Four Catholic ladies were having coffee.

The first Catholic woman tells her friends "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him "Father."

The second Catholic woman chirps, "My son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people call him, "Your Grace."

The third Catholic mother says, "My son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, "Your Eminence."

Since the fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence, the first three women give her this subtle, "Well?"

So she replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6' 2", hard-bodied dancer. When he walks into a room, people say, "Oh my God!"

The Ten Most Wanted Men

Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to the local police station, where they saw pictures of the 10 Most Wanted men tacked to a bulletin board.

One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.

"Yes," said the policeman. "The detectives want him very badly."

So Little Johnny asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"

You know you're out of college when

1. Your salary is less than your tuition.

2. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.

3. Mac & Cheese no longer counts as a well-balanced meal.

4. You haven't seen a soap opera in over a year.

5. 8:00 am is not early.

6. Your friends marry instead of hook-up and divorce instead of break-up.

7. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.

8. Adults feel comfortable telling jokes about sex in front of you... and they're no longer "adults" - they are your peers.

9. You go to parties that police don't raid.

10. Half your conversations with current college students start with, "When I was in college..."

Contagious

A teacher is instructing her fourth grade class, and she's telling them that the word of the day is 'contagious.' She asks if anyone can use this word in a sentence, and several students raise their hands.

"Carl," she says.

Carl says, "My dad told me to stay away from kids with mumps 'cause they're contagious."

"Very good," says the teacher.

Then she picks Suzie, who says, "The atmosphere was contagious."

The teacher says, "Excellent, Suzie!"

Then she notices that little Johnny has his hand up at the back of the class. "Yes, Johnny?"

Johnny says, "The other day, me and my dad's a-sittin' around, and we saw our blonde neighbor painting her fence. She had a tiny little model car paintbrush, and she was going in tiny little strokes up and down the fence, and my dad says to me, 'Jesus, it's gonna take that cunt ages to finish that fence.'"

10 Business Rules to Live By

1. A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.

2. Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

3. The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.

4. When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.

5. If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

6. Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous."

7. Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.

8. Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he/she is supposed to be doing.

9. If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.

10. No matter how much you do, you never do enough.