Monday, March 31, 2008

Is He Jumping Down?

A blonde and a redhead met for dinner after work and were watching the 6 o'clock news. A man was shown threatening to jump from the Brooklyn Bridge. The blonde bet the redhead $50 that he wouldn't jump, and the redhead replied, "I'll take that bet!"

Anyway, sure enough, he jumped, so the blonde gave the redhead the $50 she owned. The redhead said, "I can't take this, you're my friend." The blonde said, "No. A bet's a bet."

So the redhead said, "Listen, I have to admit, I saw this one on the 5 o'clock news, so I can't take your money."

The blonde replied, "Well, so did I, but I never thought he'd jump again!"

Sunday, March 30, 2008

Futuristic Motel

A traveling salesman checked into a futuristic motel. Realizing he needed a haircut before his next day's meeting, he called down to the desk clerk and asked if there was a barber on the premises.

"I'm afraid not, sir," the clerk told him apologetically, "but down the hall is a special machine that should serve your purposes."

Skeptical but intrigued, the salesman located the appropriate machine, inserted fifty cents, and stuck his head in the opening, at which time the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later the salesman pulled out his head and surveyed his head in the mirror, which reflected the best haircut he ever received in his life.

Down the hall was another machine with a sign that read, "Manicures - 25 cents."

"Why not," thought the salesman. He paid the money, inserted his hands into the slot, and pulled them out perfectly manicured.

The next machine had a huge sign that read, "This Machine Provides What Men Need Most When Away from Their Wives - cost 50 cents," The salesman was embarrassed and looked both ways. Seeing nobody around he put in fifty cents, then unzipped his pants and stuck his penis into the opening - with great anticipation, since he had been away from his wife for 2 weeks.

When the machine started buzzing, the guy let out a shriek of agony.

Fifteen seconds later it shut off and, with trembling hands, the salesman was able to withdraw his penis Which now had a button sewed on the tip.

Saturday, March 29, 2008

Bet to Piss

A guy is in a bar with a bunch of his friends. After a while of shooting pool and drinking, he whispers something to his friends. A few minutes later he walks over to the bartender and asks for a shot of tequila. After he takes the shot he says to the bartender,'' I'd like to make a bet with you.'' The bartender replies, ''Sure I'm in a betting mood.''

So the man bets the bartender $1,000 that he can piss in the shot glass placed all the way across the room and fill it up and not spill a drop. The bartender says, ''I'll take that bet.''

So the man walks to the other side of the room and places the shot glass down. He goes back to the bartender and starts pissing. He doesn't even get a drop in. He pisses all over the place, in the bartender's face, all over the barstools and everything.

After he was done pissing, the bartender laughed and said, ''You owe me $1,000.'' The man paid the money with a big smile on his face. The bartender asked, ''How come you're so happy?'' The man replied, ''You see those five guys over there by the pool table? I bet them $300 each that I could piss all over your bar and you'd laugh about it.''

Game of Intelligence

A blonde chick found herself sitting next to a lawyer on an airplane. Bored, the lawyer kept bugging the blonde wanting her to play a game of intelligence (lawyers like easy prey). Finally, the lawyer offered her 10 to 1 odds, said every time the blonde could not answer one of his questions she owed him $5, but every time he could not answer hers he’d give her $50.00. The lawyer figured he could not lose, and the blonde reluctantly accepted.

The lawyer first asked, “What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?” Without saying a word the blonde handed him $5.

The blonde then asked, “What goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes back down the hill with 4 legs?”

The lawyer looked puzzled. He spent nearly an hour, looking up everything he could on his laptop and even placing numerous air-to-ground phone calls, trying to find the answer. Finally, angry and frustrated, he gave up and paid the blonde $50.00

The blonde put the $50 into her purse without comment, but the lawyer insisted, “What is the answer to your question?”

Without saying a word, the blonde handed him $5.

Thursday, March 27, 2008

Why I Sacked My Secretary

This is a true story. Last week was my 40th birthday and I really didn’t feel like waking up that morning. I managed to pull myself together and go downstairs for breakfast, hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, “Happy Birthday!”, and possibly have a small present for me. As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone “Happy Birthday.” I thought… Well, that’s marriage for you, but the kids… They will remember.

My kids came trampling down the stairs to breakfast, ate their breakfast, and didn’t say a word to me. So when I made it out of the house and started for work, I felt pretty dumpy and despondent.

As I walked into my office, my secretary Joanne said, “Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday!” It felt a bit better knowing that at least someone remembered. I worked in a zombie like fashion until about one o’clock, when Joanne knocked on my door and said, “You know, it’s such a beautiful day outside, and it’s your Birthday, why don’t we go out for lunch, just you and me.” I said, “Thanks, Joanne, that’s the best thing I’ve heard all day. Let’s go!”

We went to lunch but not where we’d normally go. Instead she took me to a quiet bistro with a private table. We had a couple of mixed drinks and I enjoyed the meal tremendously. On the way back to the office, Joanne said, “You know, It’s such a beautiful day… We don’t have to go right back to the office, do we?” I replied with “I suppose not. What do you have in mind?” She said, “Let’s go to my apartment, it’s just around the corner.”

After arriving at her apartment, Joanne turned to me and said, “Boss if you don’t mind, I’m goinna to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I’ll be right back.” “Ok.” I nervously replied. She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake…

Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends, and co-workers, all singing “Happy Birthday”.

And I just sat there…

On the couch…

Naked.

Wednesday, March 26, 2008

NO $

Dear Dad,

$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.

Love,
Your $on.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Dear Son,

I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.

Love,
Dad

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

Blonde Detectives

A policeman was interrogating 3 blondes who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first blonde a picture for 5seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" The first blonde answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"The Policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture shows his profile."

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second blonde and asks her, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" The second blonde giggles, flips her hair and says,"Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!" The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two?!? Of course only one eye and one ear are SHOWING because it's a picture of his profile!! Is that the best answer you can come up with?

Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third blonde and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" He quickly adds "...think hard before giving me a stupid answer." The blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "Hmmmm...the suspect wears contact lenses." The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not. "Well, that's an interesting answer...wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that." He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face. "Wow! I can't believe it...it's TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work!

How were you able to make such an astute observation? "That's easy," the blonde replied. "He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear."

Monday, March 24, 2008

Timmy's Cupcakes

A young man was visiting his brother and sister-in-law for christmas dinner and was surprised to find his young nephew, Timmy, helping them bake some cupcakes.

After they were done, his sister-in-law allowed Timmy to put the icing on. When he had finished, he brought them to the table.

"The cupcakes look delicious, Tim." his uncle said. And he took a bite while looking at the other cupcakes. "Timmy these are so good."

As he finished one and took another he again complimented his little nephew. "The cupcakes look beautiful, Tim," his uncle said. "How did you get them iced so evenly?" And he took a large bite while waiting for the answer.

His nephew replied, "I licked them."

Sunday, March 23, 2008

The Benefits of Getting Older

1. You can eat dinner at 4.00.

2. Your investment in health insurance is finally beiginning to pay off.

3. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

4. It's harder and harder for sexual harassment charges to stick.

5. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

6. Your eyes won't get much worse.

7. You sing along with the elevator music.

8. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

9. Your ears are more hairy than your head.

10. People who call at 9p.m. ask, "Did I wake you?"

Saturday, March 22, 2008

Samples

An old man goes to the doctor for his yearly physical, his wife tagging along. When the doctor enters the examination room, he tells the old man, "I need a urine sample, a stool sample and a sperm sample."

The old man, being hard of hearing, looks at his wife and yells: "WHAT?"

"What did he say? What's he want?"

His wife yells back, "He needs your underwear."

Farmer John

Farmer John lived on a quiet rural highway. But, as time went by, the traffic slowly built up at an alarming rate. The traffic was so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day.

So one day Farmer John called the sheriff's office and said, "You've got to do something about all of these people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens."

"What do you want me to do?" asked the sheriff.

"I don't care, just do something about those crazy drivers!" So the next day he had the county workers go out and erected a sign that said: SLOW--SCHOOL CROSSING

Three days later Farmer John called the sheriff and said, "You've got to do something about these drivers. The 'school crossing' sign seems to make them go even faster."

So, again, the sheriff sends out the county workers and they put up a new sign: SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY

That really sped them up. So Farmer John called and called and called every day for three weeks. Finally, he asked the sheriff, "Your signs are doing no good. Can I put up my own sign?" The sheriff told him, "Sure thing, put up your own sign." He was going to let the Farmer John do just about anything in order to get him to stop calling everyday to complain.

The sheriff got no more calls from Farmer John. Three weeks later, curiosity got the best of the sheriff and he decided to give Farmer John a call. "How's the problem with those drivers. Did you put up your sign?"

"Oh, I sure did. And not one chicken has been killed since then. I've got to go. I'm very busy." He hung up the phone.

The sheriff was really curious now and he thought to himself, "I'd better go out there and take a look at that sign... it might be something that WE could use to slow down drivers..." So the sheriff drove out to Farmer John's house, and his jaw dropped the moment he saw the sign. It was spray-painted on a sheet of wood:

NUDIST COLONY

GO SLOW AND WATCH OUT FOR THE CHICKS

Friday, March 21, 2008

Kiss and Slap

A young Technician and his General Manager board a train headed through the mountains on its way to Wichita. They can find no place to sit except for two seats right across the aisle from a young woman and her grandmother.

After a while, it is obvious that the young woman and the young tech are interested in each other, because they are giving each other looks.

Soon the train passes into a tunnel and it is pitch black. There is a sound of a kiss followed by the sound of a slap. When the train emerges from the tunnel, the four sit there without saying a word.

The grandmother is thinking to herself, "It was very brash for that young man to kiss my granddaughter, but I'm glad she slapped him."

The General manager is setting there thinking, "I didn't know the young tech was brave enough to kiss the girl, but I sure wish she hadn't missed him when she slapped and hit me!"

The young woman was sitting and thinking, "I'm glad the guy kissed me, but I wish my grandmother had not slapped him!"

The young tech sat there with a satisfied smile on his face. He thought to himself, "Life is good. How often does a guy have the chance to kiss a beautiful girl and slap his General manager all at the same time!"

Thursday, March 20, 2008

Bank Robbers

Some not too smart gangsters decide to rob a bank. After several days of planning they agree on the best plan. The next day they get to work and are able to get into the bank relatively easy thanks to their planning. Once inside the main vault they discover one wall is full of safety deposit boxes and start to work on them immediately. They drill and pry open the first box only to find a small container of vanilla pudding inside.

The Head Gangster says, "Okay, well, at least we can eat it." So they eat the pudding. They drill and pry open up the second safety deposit box and there sits another pudding. They decide to devour it too.

Determined to find the goods, the process continues for the rest of the night until all the safety deposit boxes have been opened. They didn't find any money or jewelry in any of the boxes. Disappointed the head gangster said, "Well, at least they left something for us to eat."

The next day, while listening to the news they hear:"Yesterday the largest SPERM bank in the USA was robbed by an unknown group of people.....

Tuesday, March 18, 2008

Man's Life

On the first day, God created the dog and said: 'Sit all day by the door of your house, drool, and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.'

The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?' So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said: 'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span.'

The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?' And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said: 'You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.'

The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?' And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created man and said: 'Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years.'

But man said: 'Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?'

'Okay,' said God, 'You asked for it.' So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch, drool, and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you. There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service.

Monday, March 17, 2008

The HR Email

e-mail one

Attention: Human Resources

Joe Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found
hard at work in his cubicle. Joe works independently, without
wasting company time talking to colleagues. Joe never
thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
finishes given assignments on time. Often Joe takes extended
measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping
coffee breaks. Joe is an individual who has absolutely no
vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Joe can be
classed as a high-calibre employee, the type which cannot be
dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Joe be
promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
executed as soon as possible.

Regards,

Project Leader



e-mail two

Attention: Human Resources

Joe Smith was reading over my shoulder while I wrote the report sent to you earlier today. Kindly read only the odd numbered lines [1, 3, 5, etc.] for my true assessment of his ability.

Regards,

Project Leader

Sunday, March 16, 2008

50th Anniversary

A man and his wife were celebrating 50 years together. Their three kids, all very successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honor.

"Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad," gushed son number one... "Sorry I'm running late... had an emergency, you know how it is, didn't have time to get both of you a present."

"Not to worry," said the dad, "the important thing is that we're all here together today."

Son number two arrived and announced, "you and Mom still look great, Dad. Just flew in from L.A. and didn't have time to get you a present... Sorry."

"It's nothing," said the father, "Glad you were able to be here."

Just then the daughter arrived, "Hello both of you, Happy Anniversary! I'm sorry, but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy packing... so I didn't have time to get you guys anything."

Again the father said, "I really don't care, at least the five of us are together today."

After they had all finished dessert, the father put down his knife and fork, looked up and said, "Listen up, all three of you, there's something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time. You see, we were very poor. Despite this, we were able to raise each of you and send you to college. All the years, your mother and I knew that we loved each other very much but... we just never found the time to get married."

The three kids gasp and said, "You mean we're bastards?"

"Yep," said the dad..."and cheap ones too!"

Saturday, March 15, 2008

Alligator Shoes

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"

The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!" Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.

Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home, when he spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he saw a huge 9-foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She took aim, killed the creature, and with a great deal of effort hauled it on to the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watched in amazement.

Just then the blonde flipped the alligator on its back. Frustrated, she shouts out, "Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"

Friday, March 14, 2008

Email from the Husband

An Illinois man left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day.

When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick email. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her email address, he did his best to type it in from memory.

Unfortunately, he missed one letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her email, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream and fell to the floor in a dead faint.

At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:

DEAREST WIFE: JUST GOT CHECKED IN. EVERYTHING PREPARED FOR YOUR ARRIVAL TOMORROW.P.S. SURE IS HOT DOWN HERE.

Working as a Gorilla

This guy needs a job and decides to apply at the zoo. As it happened, their star attraction, a gorilla, had passed away the night before and they had carefully preserved his hide. They tell this guy that they'll pay him well if he would dress up in the gorillas skin and pretend to be the gorilla so people will keep coming to the zoo.

Well, the guy has his doubts, but Hey! He needs the money, so he puts on the skin and goes out into the cage. The people all cheer to see him. He plays up to the audience and they just eat it up.

This isn't so bad, he thinks, and he starts really putting on a show, jumping around, beating his chest and roaring, swinging around. During one acrobatic attempt, though, he loses his balance and crashes through some safety netting, landing square in the middle of the lion cage! As he lies there stunned, the lion roars. He's terrified and starts screaming, "Help, Help, Help!"

The lion races over to him, places his paws on his chest and hisses, "Shut up or we'll BOTH lose our jobs!"

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

Proffesionals for Mars

NASA was interviewing professionals to be sent to Mars. Only one could go, but with one catch - he couldn't return to Earth.

The first applicant, an engineer, was asked how much he wanted to be paid for going. "One million dollars," he answered, "because I want to donate it to M.I.T."

The next applicant, a doctor, was asked the same question. He asked for two million. "I want to give a million to my family," he explained, "and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research."

The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer's ear, "Three million dollars."

"Why so much more than the others?" the interviewer asked.

The lawyer replied, "If you give me $3 million, I'll give you $1 million, I'll keep $1 million, and we'll send the engineer."

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

George Bush in Hell

George Bush has a heart attack and dies. He goes to hell where the devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do here, " says the devil. " You are on my list. . . but I have no room for you." "You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do." "I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as you, I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves.

George thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed.

The devil opened the door to the first room: in it was Richard Nixon in a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty-handed over and over and over. - Such was his fate in hell.

"No!" George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and don't think I could do that all day long."

The devil led him to the next room: in it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.

"No, I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all could do was break rocks all day!" commented George.

The devil opened a third door. In the room George saw Bill Clinton, lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in spread eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.

George Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this."

The devil smiled and said, "OK, Monica, you’re free to go!"

Monday, March 10, 2008

Be Discreet

Six guys were playing poker when Smith loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. Showing respect fortheir fallen comrade, the other five complete their playing timestanding up.

Roberts looks around and asks, "Now, who is going to tell the wife?" They draw straws. Rippington, who is always a loser, picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse than it is.

"Gentlemen! Discreet? I'm the most discreet man you will ever meet. Discretion is my middle name, leave it to me."

Rippington walks over to the Smith house and knocks on the door.The wife answers and asks what he wants.

Rippington says, "Your husband just lost $500 playing cards."

She hollers, "TELL HIM TO DROP DEAD!"

Rippington says, "I'll tell him."

Sunday, March 9, 2008

B.C.

A rather old fashioned lady, always quite delicate and elegant, especially in her language, was planning a weeks holiday in Sydney with her husband, so she wrote to a particular camping ground and asked for a reservation.

She wanted to make sure that the camping ground was fully equipped, but didn't know quite how to ask about the toilet facilities. She just couldn't bring herselfto write the word "toilet" in her letter.

After much thought, she finally came up with the old fashioned term "Bathroom closet" but when she wrote it down, she still thought she was being too forward, so she started all over again, rewrote the letter, and referred to the bathroom closet as the B.C.

"Does the camping ground have it's own B.C." is what she wrote.

Well, the camping ground owner wasn't a bit old fashioned, and he just couldn't figure out what the old lady was talking about, so he showed the letter around a few of the campers and the only thing they could come up with was that B.C. stood for Baptist Church, so he wrote the following reply.

Dear Madam,

I regret very much the delay in answering your letter, but I now take the pleasure of informing you that a B.C. is located nine miles north of our camping ground, and is capable of seating 250 people at one time.

I admit that it is quite a distance away if you are in the habit of going regularly but no doubt you will be pleased to know that a great number of campers go there and many take their lunches along and make a day of it. They usually arrive nice and early and stay quite late.

The last time my wife and I went was six years ago, and it was so crowded we had to stand up the whole time we were there. It may interest you to know that there is a special supper planned there to raise money to buy more seats so that everyone will be able to sit in comfort.

I would like to say that it pains me very much not to be able to go more regularly, but it is surely no lack of desire on my part, just that I am so busy most of the time.

As we grow older, it seems to be more of an effort to go, especially in the cold weather. If you decide to come down to our camping ground perhaps I could go with you the first time you go, sit with you and introduce you to all the other folks.

Remember this is a very friendly community

Divert Your Course

This is the transcript of an ACTUAL radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995.

Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.

Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

Canadians: We are a lighthouse. Your call.

Saturday, March 8, 2008

20 Ways to Annoy Others

1. Chew on pens that you've borrowed.

2. Sing along at the opera.

3. Invite lots of people to other people's parties.

4. Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeep Bip..."

5. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.

6. Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder to your TV and then pointing it at the screen.

7. Speak only in a "robot" voice.

8. Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.

9. Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will "swipe your grub".

10. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 98 copies.

11. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.

12. Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read.

13. Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.

14. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with the prophesy."

15. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."

16. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."

17. Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your "astronaut training."

18. Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbors upstairs for "violating your airspace".

19. Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot."

20. Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with Lysol.

Thursday, March 6, 2008

Were You Sorry?

A woman was on the witness stand, accused of poisoning her husband.

"After you put poison in the coffee, you sat at the breakfast table and watched your husband drink it. Tell me, didn't you feel the slightest bit of pity for him?" the defense attorney prompted.

"Yes," she replied, "I think there was one moment when I felt sorry for him."

"And when was that?"

"When he asked for his second cup."

Wednesday, March 5, 2008

Brilliant Young Boy

A brilliant young boy was applying for a job with the railways.

The interviewer asked him: "Do you know how to use the equipment?"

"Yes", the boy replied.

"Then what would you do if you realized that 2 trains, one from this station and one from the next were going to crash because they were on the same track?"

The young applicant thought and replied "I'd press the button to change the points without hesitation."

"What if the button was frozen and wouldn't work?"

"I'd run outside and pull the lever to change the points manually"

"And if the lever was broken?"

"I'd get on the phone to the next station and tell them to change the points," he replied.

"And if the phone was broken and needed an electrician to fix it?"

The boy thought about that one. "I'd run into town and get my uncle"

"Is your uncle an electrician?"

"No, but he's never seen a train crash before!"

Tuesday, March 4, 2008

Asking Dr. Laura Out

A guy went to visit a friend at the hospital. His friend was all busted up and in several casts. After he determined that his friend would survive and eventually recover, he wanted to know what happened to his friend. Before he could ask, he heard his friend say "Talk dirty to Dr. Laura and she will take you out!" Wow! He thought, what an opportunity to go out with Dr. Laura, I can catch her at her book signing at the mall.

He got her latest book "Ten Thousand Stupid Things They Thought No One Could Possibly Do - And They Were Wrong", waited in the signing line and met Dr. Laura. "Let me speak softly in your ear Dr. Laura, I have something private to say to you", he said. Then he spoke so dirty, he even shocked him self. "What did you say" asked Dr. Laura, thinking she could not have heard what she thought she heard. He repeated it for her.

After a while the paramedics wheeled him into the hospital room next to his friend. He yelled to his friend, "Its your fault for me being here, you said if I talked dirty to Dr. Laura, she would give me a date".

"Oh no" said his friend "she has a double super black belt in karate. I was warning you about what happened to me. I tried to talk dirty to her and she used that karate and took me out good fashion."

Ten Tricks to Liven Up a Meeting

1 Stand up and act indignant. Demand that the boss tell you the 'real' reason this meeting has been called.

2 Spill coffee on the conference table. Produce a little paper boat and sail it down the table.

3 During a meeting, each time the boss makes an important point, (or at least one he/she seems to consider important), make a little noise like you are building up to an orgasm.

4 Stay behind as everyone else leaves, including the boss. Thank them for coming.

5 Give a broad wink to someone else at the table. In time, wink at everyone. Sometimes shake your head just a little, as if to indicate that the speaker is slightly crazy and everybody knows it.

6 Arrange to have a poorly-dressed young woman with an infant quietly enter the meeting, stare directly at the (male) speaker for a while, burst into tears, then leave the room.

7 Bring a hand puppet, preferably an animal. Ask it to clarify difficult points.

8 When there is a call for questions, lean back in your chair, prop your feet up on the table, smile contentedly, and say, "Well, here's the way I see it, J.B..." (or any other impressive-sounding initials that are not actually your boss's.)

9 Complain loudly that your neighbour won't stop touching you. Demand that the boss make him/her stop doing it.

10 Bring a small mountain of computer printouts to the meeting. If possible, include some old-fashioned fanfold paper for dramatic effect. Every time the speaker makes a point, pretend to check it in one of the printouts. Pretend to find substantiating evidence there. Nod vigorously, and say "uh-huh, uh-huh!"

Sunday, March 2, 2008

Restroom Talking

I was traveling down the interstate to visit a friend. Half way through, I needed to use the restroom really badly, so I stopped at a rest area. I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying “‘Hi, how are you?”

I’m not the type to start a conversation in the restroom and I don’t know what got into me, but I answered, somewhat embarrassed, “Doin’ just fine!” So the other guy says “So what are you up to?”

What kind of question is that? By this point, I’m thinking it’s pretty bizarre that a stranger expects to conversate while taking a dump so I replied “Uhhh I’m probably like you, just travelling?” At this point I wanted to get the hell out of there as fast as I could when the dude asked another question… “‘Can I come over?”

Well, this question is just too weird for me. Like, WTF! But I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation. I tell them“Nah man, I’m a little busy right now!”

Right then, dead silence… then I heard the person said (kinda nervously) “Listen, I’ll have to call you back. There’s an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions.”

Two Engineering Students

Two engineering students meet on campus one day. The first engineer calls out to the other, "Hey -- Nice bike! Where did you get it?"

"Well," replies the other, "I was walking to class the other day when this pretty, young co-ed rides up on this bike. She jumps off, takes off all of her clothes, and says 'You can have ANYTHING you want!!' "

"Good choice," says the first, "her clothes wouldn't have fit you anyway."

Saturday, March 1, 2008

White Hair

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.

She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"

Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"

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