Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Kid reading bible

A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, looking at the old pages as he turned them. Then something fell out of the Bible and he picked up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree. The leaf had been pressed in between pages.

"Momma, look what I found", the boy called out.

"What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked.

With astonishment in the young boy's voice he answered: "It's Adam's suit!!!!!"

Monday, June 29, 2009

Saying "I love you"

How to say, "I love you" in 20 different languages:

english . . . . . . . . . .I love you

spanish . . . . . . .. . te amo

french . . . . . . . . . . je t'aime

german . . . . . . . . . .lch liebe dich

japanese . . . . . . .. .ai s**** imasu

italian . . . . . . . . . .. ti amo

chinese . . . . . . . . . . wo ai ni

swedish . . . . . . . . . .jag alskar

alabama, arkansas, oklahoma, texas, louisiana, south carolina, georgia, tennessee, west virginia, mississippi, north carolina and kentucky:

...

nice tits!

Sunday, June 28, 2009

Doctors, Nurses, Light bulbs

Q: How many nurses does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Twelve: One to do it. One to chart it. Ten to write the policy and procedure.

Q: How many doctors does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Twenty: one primary care physician to change it and 19 specialists to take it apart and look at it under a microscope.

Saturday, June 27, 2009

Work in the dark

A doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds when he entered a patient's room. He found Patient #1 sitting on the floor, pretending to saw a piece of wood in half. Patient #2 was hanging from the ceiling, by his feet.

The doctor asked patient number 1 what he was doing. The patient replied, "Can't you see I'm sawing this piece of wood in half?"

The doctor inquired of Patient #1 what Patient #2 was doing. Patient #1 replied, "Oh. He's my friend, but he's a little crazy. He thinks he's a light bulb." The doctor looks up and notices Patient #2's face is going all red.

The doctor asks Patient #1, "If he's your friend, you should get him down from there before he hurts himself?"

Patient #1 replies, "What? And work in the dark?"

Friday, June 26, 2009

Measuring on the job

There were three Aggies; one crane operator, one pole climber, one guide. The guide tied the crane to the end of a pole. The crane operator would then pick the pole up on end. The climber climbed to the top and dropped a tape measure which the guide promptly read and noted the measurement. The crane operator then lowered the pole to the ground and repsitioned to pick up another pole. This went on several times when the foreman came over and asked why they couldn't measure the poles while they were laying on the ground? The Aggies replied, "we need to know how tall the poles are, not how long".

Thursday, June 25, 2009

How many bars?

A man walks into the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunk, and staggers up to the bar, seats him on a stool and, with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink. The Bartender politely informs the man that it appears that he has already had plenty to drink, he could not be served Additional liquor at this bar, and could a cab be called for him? The drunk is briefly surprised, then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down off the bar stool and staggers out the front door.

A few minutes later, the same drunk stumbles in the SIDE door of the bar. He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink. The bartender comes over and, still politely - but more firmly, refuses service to the man due to his inebriation, and again offers to call a cab. The drunk looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head.

A few minutes later, the same drunk bursts in through the BACK door of the bar. He plops himself up on a bar stool, Gathers his wits and belligerently orders a drink. The Bartender comes over and emphatically reminds the man that he is clearly drunk, will be served no drinks, and either a cab or the police will be called immediately.

The surprised drunk looks at the bartender, and in hopeless Anguish, cries "MAAAN! How many bars do you work at?"

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Stupid Question

A Cardiologist came up with a new operating procedure that would cut down the time that heart surgery would take and would cause less trauma to the patient. He was praised by his peers when he presented it at a convention in Washington D.C.He was also paid $50,000 to present his find. He did a couple more of these presentations and realized that it would be more lucrative to do lectures on his find than to work as a surgeon. So he decided to do the lectures full-time. He hired a driver and purchased a limousine.

One day, after he'd been doing the lecture circuit for about 6 months, his driver turns to him and says, "You know....This is completely unfair." "What do you mean?" asks the surgeon.

"Well, you get paid $50,000 every time you do this lecture and that's more than I get paid in a year," replies the driver. The surgeon explains to him that it is a very complicated procedure and that he is the only person that can give this lecture.

"That's not true. I can do your lecture blindfolded. I have seen you do your lecture so many times that I know it by heart," says the driver.

"Well if that's the case, I'll tell you what. You do this lecture and you can keep the $50,000 if you do it right." replies the surgeon.

The driver replies, "Ok. You're on."

So when they arrive at the lecture hall, the surgeon and the driver change coats and the surgeon puts on the driver's hat and sits in the back of the room.

The driver nails the presentation. Not only that, he also answers all the questions without any problems. Just when the driver thinks he's done, an audience member, wearing a lab coat and tape covered glasses stands up and asks a complex question that the driver is not able to answer.

"You know..." says the driver, "I have done this lecture 287 times and I have never been asked such a stupid question. As a matter of fact, that question is SO stupid that I am going to let my driver answer it."

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

5 Fun Things For Professors To Do

1.Wear a hood with one eyehole. Periodically make strange gurgling noises.

2. After confirming everyone's names on the roll, thank the class for attending "Advanced Astrodynamics 690" and mention that yesterday was the last day to drop.

3. After turning on the overhead projector, clutch your chest and scream, "MY PACEMAKER!"

4. Wear a pointed Kaiser helmet and a monocle and carry a riding crop.

5. Gradually speak softer and softer and then suddenly point to a student and scream, "YOU! WHAT DID I JUST SAY?"

Monday, June 22, 2009

My dad is a piano player

A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living. Timmy stood up and said, "My mom is a doctor!" Sarah stood up and said, "My father is a professor!" Little Johnny stood up and said, "My dad is a piano player in a whorehouse!"

The teacher couldn't believe what she's had just heard, so she made a point of calling Little Johnny's father that evening to discuss the situation. Little Johnny's father explained, "Actually, I'm a law attorney, but how am I supposed to explain that to a seven year old kid!"

Sunday, June 21, 2009

Biggest Sex Life Lie

A minister passed a group of teenaged boys sitting on the church lawn.

"Evening, boys. What are you doing?"

"Nothing much, Pastor," replied the one lad. "We're just seeing who can tell the biggest lie about his sex life."

"Boys, boys, boys!" intoned the minister. "I'm shocked. When I was your age, I never thought about sex at all."

The boys looked at each other and then said in unison, "You win, Pastor!"

Saturday, June 20, 2009

Blonde Diet

There was blonde who wanted to go on a diet. She went to the doctor and asked for his advice. He said that she was going to go on a diet for three days "Eat anything and everything you want for the first two days of your diet. Then skip the third day."

So the blonde went home and ate anything and everything she wanted for the first two days, then she skipped the third day.

The next day she went back to the doctor and he asked her, "How is your diet?"


She said, "Well, the first two days were easy but that third day was hard. Doing all that skipping made me really tired."

Friday, June 19, 2009

Who Said That?

It was the first day of school in Marietta, Georgia, and a new student named Suzuki, the son of a Japanese businessman, entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who said 'Give me liberty, or give me death?'"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Suzuki, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775," he said.

"Very good! Who said 'Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth'"? again, no response except from Suzuki. "Abraham Lincoln, 1863.", said Suzuki.

The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed. Suzuki, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do." he heard a loud whisper: "F*** the Japs."

"Who said that?" she demanded. Suzuki put his hand up. "Lee Iacocca, 1982." at that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."

The teacher glares and asks "All right! now, who said that?" again, Suzuki says, "George Bush to the Japanese prime minister, 1991."

Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? suck this!" Suzuki jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher: "Bill Clinton, to Monica
Lewinsky, 1997!"

Now with almost a mob hysteria someone said, "You little s***. If you say anything else, I'll kill you." Suzuki frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to Chandra Levy 2001."

The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, "Oh s***, we're f*****."

Suzuki said, "The Taliban! 2001!"

Thursday, June 18, 2009

Satan's Sister

One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in tiny Smithville wakes up early and goes to their local church.

Before the service starts, the townspeople sit in their pews and talk about their lives, their families, etc.

Suddenly, at the altar, Satan appears!!

Everyone starts screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in their determined efforts to get away from Evil Incarnate.

Soon, everyone is evacuated from the church except for one man, who sit calmly in his pew, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy is in his presence.

This confuses Satan a bit. Satan walks up to the man and says, "Hey, don't you know who I am?"

The man says, "Yep, sure do."

Satan says, "Well, aren't you afraid of me?"

The man says, "Nope, sure isn’t."

Satan, perturbed, says, "And why aren't you afraid of me?"

"Well, I've been married to your sister for 25 years."

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Michael the Dragon Master

Michael the Dragon Master was an official in King Arthur's court. He had a long standing obsession - to nuzzle the beautiful Queen's voluptuous breasts. But he knew the penalty for this would be death. One day he revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio, who was the King's chief physician.

Horatio said, "I can arrange it, but I will need 1,000 gold coins to pay bribes".

Michael the Dragon Master readily agreed.

The next day Horatio made up a batch of itching lotion. He then poured a little of it into the Queens brassiere while she was taking a bath. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and quickly grew in intensity.

When called to the royal chambers, Horatio told the King that only special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure his type of itch. He further explained that test had shown such saliva was only to be found in Michael the Dragon Master's mouth.

King Arthur summoned Michael the Dragon Master and issued the Imperial command. Michael the Dragon Master slipped the antidote to the itching lotion, which Horatio had given him, into his mouth. For the next four hours he worked passionately on the Queen's magnificent breasts.

Satisfied, he returned to his chamber and found Horatio demanding payment. However, with his obsession now satisfied, he refused to pay Horatio anything and shooed him away, knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King.

The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching lotion into King Arthur's loincloth. Michael the Dragon Master was again summoned by the King...

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Olympic Condoms

A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand: "Olympic Condoms." Impressed, he buys a pack. Upon arriving home he announces to his wife the purchase he just made.

"Olympic condoms?" she blurts. "What makes them so special?"

"They're in three colors," he replies, "gold, silver, and bronze."

"What color are you planning on wearing tonight?" she asks cheekily.

"Why, gold, of course," says the man proudly.

"Really?" she responds. "Why don't you wear the silver tonight? It'd be nice if you came second for a change."

Monday, June 15, 2009

What a Wife

After the annual office christmas party blowout, john woke up with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed, and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening.

After a trip to the bathroom he was able to make his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.

"Louise," he moaned, "tell me what went on last night. Was it as bad as I think?"

"Even worse," she assured him in her most scornful one. "you made a complete ass of yourself, succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors, and insulted the chairman of the company to his face."

"He's an arrogant, self-important prick, piss on him!"

"You did. All over his suit, " Louise informed him. "and he fired you."

"Well, f*** him," said john.

"I did. you're back at work on Monday."

Sunday, June 14, 2009

Shall we Dance?

Two men at a bar had been enjoying a few drinks for the past couple of hours and were pretty drunk when one of them notices a beautiful woman sitting in the corner.

One says to the other, "jeez, I'd really like to dance with that girl."

The other man replies, "Well, go ahead and ask her, don't be a chicken s***."

So the man approaches the lovely woman and says, "Excuse me. Would you be so kind as to dance with me?"

Seeing the man is totally drunk the woman says, "I'm sorry. Right now I'm contemplating on matrimony, and I'd rather sit than dance."

So the man humbly returns to his friend "So what did she say?" asks the friend.

The drunk responded, "She said she's constipated on macaroni, and would rather s*** in her pants."

Saturday, June 13, 2009

The Bunny and the Snake

Once upon a time, allegedly, in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake. By surprising coincidence both were blind from birth. One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down. This, of course, knocked the snake about quite a bit.

'Oh, my,' said the bunny, 'I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I've been blind since birth, so, I can't see where I'm going. In fact, since I'm also an orphan, I don't even know what I am.'

'It's quite OK,' replied the snake. 'Actually, my story is much the same as yours. I, too, have been blind since birth, and also never knew my mother. Tell you what, maybe I could slither all over you, and work out what you are, so at least you'll have that going for you.'

'Oh, that would be wonderful,' replied the bunny. So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, 'Well, you're covered with soft fur; you have really long ears; your nose twitches; and you have a soft cottony tail. I'd say that you must be a bunny rabbit.'

'Oh, thank you! Thank you,' cried the bunny in obvious excitement.

The bunny suggested to the snake, 'Maybe I could feel you all over with my paw, and help you the same way you've helped me.' So the bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked, 'Well, you're scaly and smooth, and you have a forked tongue, no backbone and no balls. I'd say you must be either an accountant, or possibly someone in senior management.'

Friday, June 12, 2009

Balloons

A small boy walks into his mother's room and catches her topless.

"Mommy! Mommy! What are those?" He says, pointing to her breasts.

"Well, son," she explains, "These are balloons, and when you die, they inflate and float you up to heaven.

Incredibly, he appears to believe his mother's story and goes off, quite satisfied.

A few days later, the little boy comes running home to get his mother from the kitchen.

"Mommy! Mommy! Aunt Jenny is dying the boy screams."

"What do you mean?" his mother asks.

"Well, she's out in the garden shed, lying on the floor with both of her balloons out, and Dad's trying to blow 'em up for her and she keeps yelling 'God, I'm coming!!'."

Thursday, June 11, 2009

When you kick off

Over breakfast one morning, a little boy kept staring intently at his grandfather. '1s anything the matter, son?' the old man asked.

'No, Gramps. I was just wondering what position you play in the football team.'

'What are? You talking about?' laughed Gramps. 'I'm far too old to play football.'

'Oh,' said the little. Boy. 'It's just that Dad' said that when you kicked off, we'd be able to afford a new car.'

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Taking a Final Exam

The blonde reported for her university final examination which consists of “yes/no” type questions? She took her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration took her purse out, removed a coin and started tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet -Yes For Heads and No for Tails.

Within half an hour she is all done whereas the rest of the class was sweating it out.

During the last few minutes, she was seen desperately throwing the coin, swearing and sweating.

The moderator, alarmed, approached her and asked what was going on.

"I finished the exam in half an hour. But," she said, "I am rechecking my answers."

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Children's Books That Didn't Make It

1) You're Different -- And That's Bad

2) The Boy Who Died from Eating All His Vegetables

3) Robert: Dad's New Wife

4) Fun Four-Letter Words to Know and Share

5) The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking

6) Kathy Was So Bad That her Mom Stopped Loving Her

7) Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence

8) All Cats Go to Hell

9) The Little Sissy That Snitched

10) Why Can't Mr. Fork and Mrs. Electrical Outlet be Friends?

11) That's It; I'm Putting You Up for Adoption.

12) Grandpa Gets a Casket

13) 101 Things You Can Do at the Bottom of the Pool

14) The Magic World Inside the Abandoned Refrigerator

15) Controlling the Playground: Respect Through Fear

16) The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy

17) Strangers Have the Best Candy

18) Whining, Kicking and Crying to Get Your Way

19) You Were an Accident

20) Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will

21) Daddy Drinks Because You Cry

22) Your Nightmares Are Real

23) Where Would You Like to be Buried?

24) You've Got Hepatitis B, Charlie Brown

25) Valuable Protein and Other Nutritional Benefits of Things from Your Nose

Monday, June 8, 2009

51 Days

Two blondes walk into a bar, each orders a drink. They go and sit down and start toasting and cheering, "51 days! 51 Days!!" About five minutes later, another blonde walks in,Orders a drink, and joins the other two in the cheering.

Finally, another blonde walks in with what looks like a Cardboard picture. She puts the picture thing in the middle of the table, and starts cheering with the others, "51 days!

51 days!! The Bar Tender starts too get really curious, so he walks over to discover that the picture is a Cookie Monster Puzzle. He walks over to one of the blondes and asks, "What on earth are you doing??" "Well," the blonde says, "everyone thinks blondes are so stupid, so we proved them wrong. On the box of this puzzle, it says 2-4 years, but we finished it in only 51 days!!!

Sunday, June 7, 2009

When Jane initially met Tarzan of the Jungle

When Jane initially met Tarzan of the Jungle, she was attracted to him, and during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex. "Tarzan not know sex," he replied.

Jane explained to him what sex was.

Tarzan said, "Oh, Tarzan use hole in trunk of tree."

Horrified, she said, "Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly."

She took off her clothes and lay down on the ground. "Here," she said. "You must put it in here."

Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer with his huge erection, and then gave her an almighty kick right in the crotch. Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity. Eventually she managed to gasp for air and screamed, "What did you do that for?"

"Tarzan check for bees."

Saturday, June 6, 2009

Accurate Temperature

An abrasive businessman in the hospital constantly berates the medical staff. Only the head nurse will stand up to him.

One day she tells him, "I have to take your temperature. I'm sorry, but for this reading, I cannot use an oral thermometer." This starts rounds of complaining, but eventually the man rolls over and bares his rear end.

After the nurse inserts the thermometer, she announces, "I have to get something. Now you stay just like that until I get back."

She leaves the door to his room open on her way out. He curses under his breath as he hears people walk past his door laughing. The man's doctor comes into the room, "What's going on here?"

Angrily, the man answers, "What's the matter? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?"

After a pause, the doctor says, "Well, no, not with a carnation, anyway."

Friday, June 5, 2009

Labour Pain Machine

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father.

He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it. The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine.

The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic.

When they got home, the mailman was dead on the porch.

Thursday, June 4, 2009

I'm the Boss

My boss was complaining in our staff meeting the other day that he wasn't getting any respect. Later that morning he went to a local sign shop and bought a small sign that read, "I'm the Boss". He then taped it to his office door.

Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said, "Your wife called. She wants her sign back!"

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Hotel Price

A husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston. After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue, and they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road. When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for 350. The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth 350. When the clerk tells him 350 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the Manager. The manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for the husband and wife to use.

'But we didn't use them', the man complains.

'Well, they are here, and you could have,' explains the Manager. He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous.
'The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here,' the Manager says.

'But we didn't go to any of those shows,' complains the man again. Well, we have them, and you could have', the Manager replies.

No matter what facility the Manager mentions, the man replies, 'But we didn't use it!'

The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a check and gives it to the Manager. The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check. But sir,' he says, 'this check is only made out for 100.'

'That's right,' says the man. 'I charged you 250 for sleeping with my wife.'

'But I didn't!' exclaims the Manager.

'Well,' the man replies, 'she was here, and you could have'

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

Things that sound dirty at Thanksgiving

"Whew, that's one terrific spread!"

"I'm in the mood for a little dark meat."

"Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist."

"Talk about a huge breast!"

"It's Cool Whip time!"

"If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst!"

"Are you ready for seconds yet?"

"Are you going to come again next time?"

"It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?"

"Just wait your turn, you'll get some!"

"Don't play with your meat."

"Just spread the legs open & stuff it in."

"Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?"

"I didn't expect everyone to come at once!"

"You still have a little bit on your chin."

"Use a nice smooth stroke when you whip it."

"How long will it take after you stick it in?"

"You'll know it's ready when it pops up."

"Wow, I didn't think I could handle all of that!"

"How many are coming?"

"That's the biggest one I've ever seen!"

"Just lay back & take it easy...I'll do the rest."

"How long do I beat it before it's ready?"

Monday, June 1, 2009

Deer Hunting

Two hunters were dragging their dead deer back to their car. Another hunter approached pulling his along too.

"Hey, I don't want to tell you how to do something ... but I can tell you that it's much easier if you drag the deer in the other direction. Then the antlers won't dig into the ground."

After the third hunter left, the two decided to try it.

A little while later one hunter said to the other, "You know, that guy was right. This is a lot easier!"

"Yeah, but we're getting farther from the truck," the other added.

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