Bad Day

This guy is sitting inside a bar, just looking at his drink.

He stays like that for half-an-hour. Then, this big trouble-making bully steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.

The poor man starts crying. The bully says: "Come on man, I was just joking. Tell ya what; I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man crying."

"No, it's not that. Today day is the worst of my life. First, I overslept and was late to an important meeting. My boss was outraged and fired me. When I left the building to go to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said they could do nothing. I got a cab to return home, paid the cab driver, and the cab drove off. It was then I found that I left my wallet in the cab. I finally got home only to find my wife was in bed with another man. I left home and came to this bar. And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up......


and drink my poison..."

Chain Saw

Bubba decided it was time to purchase a new saw to help clear his heavily timbered property. A salesman showed him the latest model chain saw and assured him that he could easily cut three or four cords of wood per day with it. But the first day, Bubba barely cut one cord of wood. The second morning he arose an hour earlier and managed to cut a little over one cord. The third day he got up even earlier but only managed to achieve a total of 1 ½ cords of wood.

Bubba returned the saw to the store the next day and explained the situation.

"Well", said the salesman, "let’s see what’s the matter." He then pulled the cable and the chain saw sprang into action.

Leaping back, Bubba shouted, "What the heck is that noise?"

Redneck Divorce

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"

She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."

"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"

"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.

"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"

"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."

He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"

"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."

"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"

"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."

"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"

"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"

"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me!"

Going Home

One Friday morning, a teacher came up with a novel way to motivate her class. She told them that she would read a quote and the first student to correctly identify who said it would receive the rest of the day off.

She started with, "This was England's finest hour." Little Suzy instantly jumped up and said, "Winston Churchill."

"Congratulations," said the teacher, "you may go home."

The teacher then said, "Ask not what your country can do for you." Before she could finish this quote, another young lady belts out, "John F. Kennedy."

"Very good," says the teacher, "you may go."

Irritated that he has missed two golden opportunities, Little Johnnie said, "I wish those girls would just shut up."

Upon overhearing this comment, the outraged teacher demanded to know who said it. Johnnie instantly rose to his feet and said, "Bill Clinton. I'll see you Monday."

Completely Crazy

The teacher noticed that Johnny had been daydreaming for a long time. She decided to get his attention. "Johnny," she said, "If the world is 25,000 miles around and eggs are sixty cents a dozen, how old am I?

"Thirty-four," Johnny answered unhesitatingly.

The teacher replied "Well, that's not far from my actual age. Tell me...how did you guess?"

Oh, there's nothing to it," Johnny said. "My big sister is seventeen and she's only half-crazy."

Push Ups

A drunk staggers into a bar demanding a beer. The bartender informed him that he was not allowed to serve alcohol to drunken patrons.

After a few harsh words, the bartender suggested to the drunk to prove he wasn't drunk by doing twenty push-ups on the floor.

As he was doing the push-ups, another drunk staggers into the bar and sees this guy on the floor doing push-ups.

He looks at him for a minute and then kicks him in the ribs saying, "Fella, I think your girl friend has gone home."

Threesome

I met an older woman at a bar last night.

She wasn't bad for 57, we drank and bullsh*tted a bit, then she asked if I 'd ever had a mother and daughter threesome?

I said no.

We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was my lucky night.

I went back to her place.

She put the hall light on and shouted upstairs:

"Mom you still awake?"

Merry Xmas!

The Whole Truth

At school Little Johnny was told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth."

Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out. He goes home, and as he is greeted by his mother he says, "I know the whole truth."

His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father."

Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth."

The father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother."

Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door.

The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth."

The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, "Then come give your Daddy a great big hug!"

Talking Clock

Proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night the drunk led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong.

"What's that big brass gong for?" one of the guests asked. "It's not a gong. It's a talking clock" the drunk replied.

"A talking clock? Seriously?" asked his astonished friend.

"Yup" replied the drunk.

"How's it work?" the second guest asked, squinting at it.

"Watch" the man said. He picked up a hammer, gave it an ear shattering pound and stepped back.

The three stood looking at one another for a moment. Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed "You friggin' IDIOT!...it's ten past three in the morning!"

Making Him Vomit

A policeman cruising past a pub after closing time notices two motor bikes still parked out the front. He goes round the back of the pub only to find two bikers, one with his fingers up the butt of the other.

"So what's going on here?" he asks.

The biker replies, "My mate here has had too much to drink and I'm trying to make him vomit."

The cop says, "I think you should be sticking your fingers down his THROAT."

The biker replies, "That's what I'm going to do next!"

The Medal Of Freedom

WASHINGTON, D.C. - A white house source stated that Congress is considering awarding Vice-President Dick Cheney the Medal of Freedom, the nation's highest civilian commendation, for his act of bravery in shooting an attorney. The source was quoted to say, " All Americans have wanted to shoot a lawyer at one time or another and Cheney actually had the guts to do it".

In a related story, the Texas Parks and Wildlife Department, which issues hunting licenses, said that it will start requiring hunters, wishing to bag a lawyer, to have the new "lawyer's stamp" on their hunting license. Currently Texas hunters are required to carry stamps for hunting birds, deer, and bear, at a cost of $7 annually. The new "lawyers stamp" will cost $100, but open season will be all year long. The department further stated that although the "lawyers stamp" comes at hefty price, sales have been brisk and it is believed it will generate annual revenues in excess of $3 billion dollars the first year. Other states are considering similar hunting stamps.

Lawyer on Vacation

A doctor vacationing on the Riviera met an old lawyer friend and asked him what he was doing there.

The lawyer replied, "Remember that lousy real estate I bought? Well, it caught fire, so here I am with the fire insurance proceeds. What are you doing here?"

The doctor replied, "Remember that lousy real estate I had in Mississippi? Well, the river overflowed, and here I am with the flood insurance proceeds."

The lawyer looked puzzled. "Gee," he asked, "how do you start a flood?"

The World's first Profession

A doctor, and engineer, a rabbi and a lawyer were debating who was the world's first professional.

The Doctor said "It must have been a doctor. Who else could have helpd with the world's first surgery of taking a rib from Adam to create Eve, the first woman.

"No," said the rabbi. "It must have been a rabbi, since the Lord needed someone to help preach his message to Adam and the world.

"Wait," Said the engineer "The world was created in 6 days from nothing. Do you know what a master engineering feat that must have been to create the whole world into an orgnanized civilized place from utter choas?"

"And WHO created the chaos?" said the lawyer.

Grandma

Little Brian was staying with his grandmother for the school holidays. He had been playing outside with the local children and then returned to the house.

He asked, “Grandma, what is that called when two people are sleeping in the same room and one is on top of the other?”

She was rather startled at the question, but decided to tell him the truth. “It’s called sexual intercourse, darling.”

Little Brian just said, “Oh, OK, thank you Grandma” and went back outside to play with the other kids again.

Ten minutes later he came back in crying and said, “Grandma, it is not called sexual intercourse! It’s called Bunk Beds and Tommy’s Mum wants to talk to you!”

Dumber Man

One day, a kid's mom and dad took him to a nude beach. The kid went to play in
the water and came back a little while later and told his mom "I just saw a
woman who had bigger things than you do mom”. His mom replied, "The bigger the
woman's boobs the dumber the woman”.

So, the boy went out to play again, and came back a little while later and
said to his mom "Mom, I just saw a man who has a bigger thing than Dad”. His mom
replied "The bigger the thing, the dumber the guy."

So the kid went out to play again, then came back and told his mom "Daddy was
talking to a woman, and he kept getting dumber and dumber”.

Viagra

A man goes to visit his 85-year-old grandpa in hospital."How are you grandpa?" he asks.

"Feeling fine," says the old man.

"What's the food like?"

"Terrific, wonderful menus."

"And the nursing?"

"Just couldn't be better. These young nurses really take care of you."

"What about sleeping? Do you sleep OK?"

"No problem, nine hours solid every night. At 10 o'clock they bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet ... and that's it. I go out like a light."

The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so rushes off to question the Sister in charge. "What are you people doing,"he says, "I'm told you're giving an 85-year-old Viagra on a daily basis. Surely that can't be true?"

"Oh, yes," replies the Sister. "Every night at 10 o'clock we give him a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet. It works wonderfully well. The chocolate makes him sleep, and the Viagra stops him from rolling out of bed.

Thirty Times in a Row

On a farm out in the country lived a man and a woman and their three sons.

Early one morning, the woman awoke, and while looking out of the window onto to the pasture, she saw that the family's only cow was lying dead in the field. The situation looked hopeless to her -- how could she possibly continue to feed her family now?

In a depressed state of mind, she hung herself. When the husband awoke to find his wife dead, as well as the cow, he too began to see the hopelessness of the situation, and he shot himself in the head.

Now the oldest son woke up to discover his parents dead (and the cow!), and he decided to go down to the river and drown himself.

When he got to the river, he discovered a mermaid sitting on the bank. She said, "I've seen all and know the reason for your despair. But if you will have sex with me five times in a row, I will restore your parents and the cow to you."

The son agreed to try, but after four times, he was simply unable to satisfy her again. So the mermaid drowned him in the river.

Next the second oldest son woke up. After discovering what had happened, he too decided to throw himself into the river.

The mermaid said to him, "If you will have sex with me ten times in a row, I will make everything right." And while the son tried his best (seven times!), it was not enough to satisfy the mermaid, so she drowned him in the river.

The youngest son woke up and saw his parents dead, the dead cow in the field, and his brothers gone. He decided that life was a hopeless prospect, and he went down to the river to throw himself in.

And there he also met the mermaid. "I have seen all that has happened, and I can make everything right if you will only have sex with me fifteen times in a row."

The young son replied, "Is that all? Why not twenty times in a row?"

The mermaid was somewhat taken aback by this request. Then he said, "Hell, why not twenty-five times in a row?" And even as she was reluctantly agreeing to his request, he said, "Why not THIRTY times in a row?"

Finally, she said, "Enough!! Okay, if you will have sex with me thirty times in a row, then I will bring everybody back to perfect health." Then the young son asked, "Wait! How do I know that thirty times in a row won't kill you like it did the cow?"

BE A MAN, DO THE RIGHT THING!

For all the men out there, and curious women, we hereby present to you the international rules of manhood. For those young men seeking adulthood, you must abide by said rules in order to obtain your “man badge.”

1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:
(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
(c) After wrecking your boss’ car.
(d) One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into “The Crying Game”.

3: Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies.

4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

5: If you’ve known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.

6: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy’s fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy’s birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy’s choice.

8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

9: When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who’s playing.

10: You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she’s officially your girlfriend.

11: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you’re sunning on a tropical beach… and it’s delivered by a topless model and only when it’s free.

12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.

13: Unless you’re in prison, never fight naked.

14: Friends don’t let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

15: If a man’s fly is down, that’s his problem, you didn’t see anything.

16: Women who claim they “love to watch sports” must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that’s just greedy.

19: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you’d better be talking about his choice of beer.

20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she’s withholding sex pending your response.

21: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights:
(a) Yeah, Baby, Push it!
(b) C’mon, give me one more! Harder!
(c) Another set and we can hit the showers!

22: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: i.e., both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

23: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.

24: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly “just a friend” have carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you’re feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was occurs.

25: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.

26: Thou shalt not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue.

27: The girl who replies to the question “What do you want for Christmas?” with “If you loved me, you’d know what I want!” gets an Xbox. End of story.

a Push

A man is in bed with his wife when there’s a knock, knock on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock. It’s half past three in the morning.

I will happily ignore that he thinks, and tries to go back to sleep.

However, a louder knock follows.

“Aren’t you going to answer that?” asks his wife who is also awake now.


Not wanting a row he drags himself out of bed, goes downstairs and opens the door to be greeted by a man standing outside.

“Hey mate,” says the stranger, “can you give me a push please?”

“You’re joking! It’s half past three in the morning. I was in bed fast asleep,” says the man and shuts the door.

He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened.

“That’s charming”, she says, “Don’t you remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way home, you had to knock at that house to get help? What would have happened if they had refused us?”

“OK, OK” he says in resignation, and gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the front door but can’t see the stranger anywhere. So he shouts, “Hello, do you still want a push?”

In the distance a voice cries out, “Yes please.”

Still unable to see the stranger he shouts, “Where are you?”

“Over here, on the swings.”

Affair with a Horse

Paddy and his two friends, Bill and Simon, are talking at a bar.

Bill says: “I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician.”

“What makes you think that?” asks Paddy.

“Well the other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren’t mine.”

Simon then says: “Same with me! I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber.”

“The other day I found a wrench under the bed and that wasn’t mine.”

“That’s all three of us then,” says Paddy: “I think my wife is having an affair with a horse.”

Bill and Simon look at him with utter disbelief.

“No, I’m serious. The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed.”

Drinks on the House

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were sitting in a bar enjoying a drink after a hard day working away from home.

“You know,” said the Scotsman, “I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow there’s a wee bar called McManus’. The landlord there really knows how to look after the regulars. After you’ve bought 4 drinks, he will buy the 5th drink for you.”

“Reminds me of my old local, the Black Horse,” said the Englishman, “the guvnor there always gave me my third drink free.”

“That’s nothing,” said the Irishman. “Back home in Dublin there’s O’Malley’s Bar. As soon as you get through the door they’ll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then, when you’ve had plenty of drinks, they’ll take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All on the house.”

“Fantastic,” said the Englishman, “and this actually happen to you?”

“Not me, personally, no,” said the Irishman “but it did happen to my sister!”

Jesus and Moses

A burglar breaks into a house and is quietly and expertly collecting valuables in his bag when he hears a voice: “Jesus is watching you.”

Startled he looks around the room but there doesn’t seem to be anyone there, so he carries on stashing the valuables into his bag.
Then he hears the voice again: “Jesus is watching you.”

He looks around the room again, only this time more thoroughly, and he spies a parrot in a cage.

He walks over to the cage and says: “My, my, a talking parrot. Are you Jesus then?”

“No” replies the bird, “I’m Moses.”

The thief is most amused: “What sort of people would call their parrot Moses?” he asks, barely suppressing a laugh.

“The same people that call a Rottweiler Jesus!” replies the parrot.

Blind Man

Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits.

After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude. In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door.

"Who is it?" calls one of the nuns.

"Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door.

The two nuns look at each other and shrug, and, deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door.

"Nice gazongas," says the man, "where do you want these blinds?"

Hot and Cold

An elderly married couple scheduled their annual medical examination
the same day so they could travel together. After the examination, the
doctor then said to the man: "You appear to be in good health. Do you
have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"
"In fact, I do," said the man. "After I have sex with my wife the
first time, I am usually hot and sweaty. And then, after I have sex
with my wife the second time, I am usually cold and chilly."

"This is very interesting," replied the doctor. "Let me do some
research and get back to you." After examining the elderly lady, the
doctor said: "Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical
concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"

The lady replied that she had no questions nor concerns. The doctor
than asked: "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he
is usually hot and sweaty after having sex the first time with you and
cold and chilly after the second time.... "Do you know why?"

"Oh that old buzzard!" she replied. "That's because the first time is
usually in July and the second time is usually in December."

Flower Curse

Two friends, a blonde and a redhead, are walking down the street and pass a flower shop where the redhead happens to see her boyfriend buying flowers.

She sighs and says, "Oh, crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again, for no reason."

The blonde looks quizzically at her and says, What's the big deal, don't you like getting flowers?"

The red head says, "Oh sure, but he always has expectations after giving me flowers, and I just don't feel like spending the next three days on my back with my legs in the air."

The blonde says "Don't you have a vase?"

Face-lifting Death

A middle aged woman has a heart attack. While on the operating table she has a near death experience. She sees God, and asks if this is it.

God says no, that she has another 30-40 years to live. She recovers, and decides to stay in the hospital and have a face lift, liposuction, tummy tuck, hair dyed, etc. She figures since she's got another 30 or 40 years she might as well make the most of it.

She walks out of the hospital after the last operation and immediately gets hit by an ambulance.

She arrives in front of God and asks, "I thought you said I had another 30 or 40 years?" To which God replies, "To tell you the truth, I didn't recognize you."

Evidence PLEASE!

One day an old woman walked into a shop and got some dog food, she went to pay for it and the cashier said you can't buy that dog food we need evidence that you have a dog, so she bought in her dog and she got the dog food. The next day the same old lady went to get some cat food and the cashier said you can't have that cat food we need evidence that you have a cat, so she went home and got her cat and she got the cat food. Next day the same old lady went in again and she had a box, she told the cashier to put her finger in it, so she did. She said it felt warm and soft, the little old lady then said now you're satisfied can I have some toilet paper please!

Frog vs Wife

A woman is shopping for a pet as a gift for her husband, but she is concerned that the prices that the Pet Shop are charging are very high. She goes to the clerk and explains her concern.

"Well, I have a frog in the back that I can let you have for $50," the clerk says.

"$50?" the woman replies. "That seems terribly expensive for a frog."

"Well, this frog is worth it. It's been trained to give blow jobs."

The woman is stunned, but because her husband loves this sort of sex, and because she is not particularly fond of gorfing cock, she decides the frog might be a good investment. She buys the frog, brings it home, presents it to her husband, and explains its special value. The husband is skeptical, but promises he'll give the frog a try that night. The woman goes to sleep happily knowing she won't be bothered by her husband that night.

She is suddenly awakened by a clatter coming from the kitchen. She goes downstairs and finds the frog and her husband pulling out pots and pans and poring over cookbooks.

"What are you two doing down here?" she asks.

Her husband responds, "If I can teach this frog to cook, you're out of here!"

Save Time

An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "You don't want to try these techniques at home."

"Why not?" asked somebody from the audience.

"I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time. One day I told her, 'Hon, why don't you try carrying several things at once?'"

"Did it save time?" the person in the audience asked.

"Actually, yes," replied the expert. "It used to take her 20 minutes to make breakfast. Now I do it in seven."

Women's Prayers

I pray for:

Wisdom, To understand a man.

Love, To forgive him and;

Patience, For his moods.

Because if I pray for Strength

I'll just beat him to death.

New Banking Procedures

A sign in the Bank Lobby reads: "Please note that this Bank is
installing new "Drive-through" teller machines enabling customers to
withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using this new
facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when
accessing their accounts. After months of careful research, MALE &
FEMALE procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate
steps for your gender."

MALE PROCEDURE

1. Drive up to the cash machine.

2. Put down your car window.

3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.

4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.

5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.

6. Put window up.

7. Drive off.

FEMALE PROCEDURE

1. Drive up to cash machine.

2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.

3. Set parking brake, put the window down.

4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.

5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.

6. Attempt to insert card into machine.

7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.

8. Insert card.

9. Re-insert card the right way.

10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.

11. Enter PIN.

12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.

13. Enter amount of cash required.

14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.

15. Retrieve cash and receipt.

16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.

17. Write deposit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.

18. Re-check makeup.

19. Drive forward 2 feet.

20. Reverse back to cash machine.

21. Retrieve card.

22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.

23. Give appropriate one-fingered hand signal to irate male driver waiting behind you.

24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.

25. Redial person on cell phone.

26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.

27. Release Parking Brake.