Beautiful and Cute

My husband was just coming out of anesthesia after a series of tests in the hospital, and I was sitting at his bedside. His eyes fluttered open, and he murmured, "You`re beautiful."

Flattered, I continued my vigil while he drifted back to sleep. Later he woke up and said, "You`re cute."

"What happened to `beautiful`?" I asked him.

"The drugs are wearing off," he replied.

Horse Race

A champion jockey is about to enter an important race on a new horse. The horse's trainer meets him before the race and says, "All you have to remember with this horse is that every time you approach a jump, you have to shout, 'ALLLLEEE OOOP!' really loudly in the horse's ear. Providing you do that, you'll be fine."

The jockey thinks the trainer is mad but promises to shout the command. The race begins and they approach the first hurdle. The jockey ignores the trainer's ridiculous advice and the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.

They carry on and approach the second hurdle. The jockey, somewhat embarrassed, whispers 'Aleeee ooop' in the horse's ear. The same thing happens--the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.

At the third hurdle, the jockey thinks, "It's no good, I'll have to do it," and yells, "ALLLEEE OOOP!" really loudly. Sure enough, the horse sails over the jump with no problems. This continues for the rest of the race, but due to the earlier problems the horse only finishes third.

The trainer is fuming and asks the jockey what went wrong. The jockey replies, "Nothing is wrong with me - it's this horse. What is he - deaf or something?"

The trainer replies, "Deaf?? DEAF?? He's not deaf--he's BLIND!"

Dave the Hen

Dave came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep.

He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep. When he awoke, he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed. 'Who the hell are you?', demanded Dave, 'and what are you doing in my bedroom ?'

The mysterious man answered, 'This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter.'

Dave was stunned. 'You mean I'm dead !!! That can't be, I have so much to live for - and I haven't said goodbye to my family. . .. You've got to send me back straight away.'

St Peter replied, 'Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen.'

Dave was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen.

A flash of light later, he was covered in feathers and clucking around, pecking the ground.

'This ain't so bad', he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him. The farmyard rooster strolled over and said, 'So you're the new hen, How are you enjoying your first day here ?'

'It's not so bad', replies Dave, 'but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode.'

'You're ovulating', explained the rooster. 'Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before.'

'Never', replies Dave.

'Well just relax and let it happen'.

And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time.

When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him . . . Ever!!!

The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg, he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting...

'Dave, wake up, you drunken bastard. You've crapped the bed!..

Buddy

An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse named Buddy.

He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull!" Buddy didn't move.

Then the farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull!" Buddy didn't respond.

Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Coco, pull!" Nothing.

Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Buddy, pull!" And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch.

The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times.

"Well... Buddy is blind and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try!"

Bullshit

A pheasant was standing in a field chatting to a bull.

"I would love to be able to get to the top of yonder tree", sighed the pheasant, "but I haven't got the energy"

"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients."

The pheasant pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. And so on.

Finally, after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Whereupon he was spotted by a farmer who dashed into the farmhouse, emerged with a shotgun, and shot the pheasant right out of the tree.

The Moral of the Story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

The Pager

Lil' Johnny's mother took her 5 year old son with her to the bank on a busy Friday. They were in line behind a rather obese lady wearing a business suit, complete with a pager. As the mother patiently waited, Lil' Johnny looked at the women in front of him and observed loudly, "Hey, Mom, she's REALLY FAT."

The lady looked at Johnny, made eye contact with his mother and gave an understanding smile. Lil' Johnny received a quiet reprimand.

After a minute or two, Lil' Johnny spread his hands as far as they will go and loudly said, "I bet her butt is *that* wide."

At this the lady glared at Johnny. His embarrassed mother severely scolds her son.

Again after a couple of minutes Lil' Johnny stated loudly, "Look how the fat hangs over her belt." The lady turned and told Johnny's mother to control her rude child and his mother threatened him with his very life and existence.

Things in the bank are quiet. The lady moved to the front of the line when her pager begins to emit its distinctive tone.

Lil' Johnny yelled in a panic at the top of his voice, "RUN FOR YOUR LIFE MOM, SHE'S BACKING UP!!!!"

Alaskan Birthday Party

Alaskan Birthday Party Sam has been in business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress. He quits his job and buys 50 acres in Alaska as far from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there's a big, bearded man standing there.

"Name's Lars ...Your neighbor from forty miles away....Having a birthday party Friday ... Thought you might like to come. About 5...

"Great," says Sam, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."

As Lars is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you...There's gonna be some drinkin'."

"Not a problem... after 25 years in business, I can drink with the best of em."

Again, as he starts to leave, Lars stops. "More'n'likely gonna be some fightin' too."

Sam says, "Well, I get along with people. I'll be there. Thanks again."

Once again Lars turns from the door. "I've seen some wild sex at these parties, too."

"Now that's really not a problem," says Sam. "I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I bring?"

Lars stops in the door again and says, "Whatever you want, just gonna be the two of us".

Wedding Night

Fred and Mary get married but couldn't afford a honeymoon, so they go back to Fred's Mom and Dad's house for their first night together.

In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast. As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mom if Fred and Mary are up yet.

She replies, 'No'.

Johnny asks, 'Do you know what I think?'

His mom replies, 'I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school.'

Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, 'Are Fred and Mary up yet?'

She replies, 'No.'

Johnny says, 'Do you know what I think?'

His mom replies, 'Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school .'

After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, 'Are Fred and Mary up yet?'

His mom says, 'No.'

He asks, 'Do you know what I think?'

His mom replies, 'Ok, now tell me what you think?'

He says: 'Last night Fred came t o my room for the Vaseline and I think...

I gave him my airplane glue.'

Wife's Need

A couple was having some trouble, so they did the right thing and went to a marriage counselor. After a few visits, and a lot of questioning and listening, the counselor said that he had discovered the main problem.

He stood up, went over to the woman, asked her to stand, and gave her a hug. He looked at the man and said, "this is what your wife needs, at least once a day!"

The man frowned, thought for a moment, then said, "Ok, what time do you want me to bring her back tomorrow?"

Frog Psychic Hotline

Recently, the Psychic Hotline and Psychic Friends Network have launched hotlines for frogs.

Here is the story of one frog and his discussing with his psychic.

A frog telephones the Psychic Hotline and is told, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."

The frog says, "This is great! Will I meet her at a party, or what?"

"No," says the psychic. "Next semester in her biology class."

Winking

A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large firm. The interviewer looks over his papers and says, "This is phenomenal. You've graduated from the best schools; your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled.

"Normally, we'd hire you without a second thought. However, a sales representative has a highly visible position, and we're afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential customers. I'm sorry....we can't hire you."

"But wait," he said. "If I take two aspirin, I'll stop winking!"

"Really? Great! Show me!"

So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavored condoms; finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin. He tears it open, swallows the pills, and stops winking.

"Well," said the interviewer, "that's all well and good, but this is a respectable company, and we will not have our employees womanizing all over the country!"

"Womanizing? What do you mean? I'm a happily married man!"

"Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?"

"Oh, that," he sighed. "Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?"

Obituary

Miles Dobson was away from home on business in another city. When he called home, his wife told him, "Miles, they had your name in the obits today."

"What! In the obituary column! That's not only disgraceful but bad journalism. I'll sue 'em."

"Tell me, Miles," his wife asked tremulously, "Wh...wh...where are you calling from?"

Other way

A college professor in an anatomy class asked his students to sketch a naked man.

As the professor walked around the class checking the sketches he noticed that a sexy young coed had sketched the man with an erect penis.

The professor commented, "Oh, no, I wanted it the other way."

She replied, "What other way?"

Slap the Kisser

There was an Indian, a Pakistani and Claudia Schiffer sitting together in a carriage in a train going through Tasmania, Australia. Suddenly the train went through a tunnel and as it was an old style train there were no lights in the carriages and it went completely dark. Then there was this kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap. When the train came out of the tunnel, Claudia Schiffer and the Pakistani were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Indian had his hand against his face as he had been slapped there.

The Indian was thinking: "The Pakistani must have kissed Claudia Schiffer and she missed him and slapped me instead."

Claudia Schiffer was thinking: "The Indian must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Pakistani and got slapped for it."

The Pakistani was thinking: "This is great! The next time the train goes through a tunnel I'll make another kissing noise and slap that Indian dumb-ass again."

Being Smarter

Three blondes are stuck on a desert island and one finds a magic lamp. They rub it and a genie pops out and gives them each a wish.

The first blonde says, "I wish I was 10% smarter so I could get off of this island."
Then she turns into a redhead and swims off the island.

The second sees what happens and says "I wish I was 25% smarter so that I can get off this island!" She then turns into a brunette, makes a raft from trees and sails off.

Finally, the third blonde says "I wish I was 50% smarter so I can get off this island."

She then suddenly turns into a man and walks across the bridge.

Parking - Old vs Young

The old gent was backing his Rolls into the last available parking space when a zippy red sports car whipped in behind him to take the spot.

The young driver jumped out and said: "Sorry Pops, but you've got to be young and smart to do that."

The old man ignored the remark and kept reversing until the Rolls had crunched the sports car into a crumpled heap.

"Sorry son, you've got to be old and rich to do that!"

That's How My Brother Drives

Two men were driving down a city street, as they approach a red stop light, the man driving speeds up and drives through a red light.

Shocked, the passenger yells, "What are you doing!"

The driver just responds in a casual tone, "That's the way my brother drives."


As they continue down the street, they again came upon another red stop light and again the drive speeds through the intersection.

Again the passenger yells, "What are you doing!"

The driver says, "That's the way my brother drives".

Not too long after that, they came upon a green light.

The driver quickly slams on his breaks and comes to a complete stop just before the intersection.

The angry passenger screams, "It's a green light!"

The driver says, "Yes, but my brother might be coming the other way!"

Skin Transplant

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned.

The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft the skin from her body, so the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.

However, the only skin on his body that the doctor found suitable would have to come from his rear end.

The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!

One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice.

She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."

"My darling," he replied," think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

The Couple in Lover’s Lane

A policeman was patrolling a local lover’s lane parking spot overlooking a golf course. As he drove around he passed a car and saw a couple inside with the light on.

There was a young man in the driver’s seat reading a magazine and a young lady in the back seat knitting.

He stopped his patrol car and went over to investigate. He walked up to the driver’s side of the car and knocked on the window. The young man looked up, wound down the window and said, “Good evening officer.”

“What are you doing parked here?” the policeman asked. “Well officer,” replied the young man, “I’m reading this magazine.”

The police officer pointed towards the young lady in the back seat and asked, “And what is she doing?”. The young man looked over to the back seat and replied, “What does it look like she is doing? She’s knitting.”

“And how old are you?” the officer then asked the young man. “I’m eighteen.” he replied.

“And how old is the young lady?” asked the officer.

The young man looked at his watch and said, “Well, in about seven minutes she’ll be sixteen.”

Warning for Men

Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties and local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman.


Many females use a date rape drug on the market called “Beer” to target unsuspecting men. The drug is generally found in liquid form and is now available almost anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, from taps, and in large “kegs.”

Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and have sex with them”. Typically, a woman needs only to persuade a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex.

Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several beers, men will often succumb to desires to perform sexual acts on horrific looking women to whom they would never normally be attracted.

After drinking Beer men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that: “something bad” occurred. At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life’s savings, in a familiar scam known as “A Relationship.”

It has been reported that in extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer-term form of servitude and punishment referred to as “Marriage.” Apparently, men are much more susceptible to this scam after beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females.

Please forward this warning to every male you know. If you fall victim to this insidious Beer and the predatory women administering it, there are male support groups with venues in every town where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter in an open and frank manner with similarly affected, like-minded guys. For the support group nearest you, just look up “Golf Courses” in the yellow pages .

Unexpected Pleasure

Freddy walks into the pub with an enormous smile on his face.

His mates ask him why he is so pleased with himself.

“You lot will not believe what happened to me last night!”, Freddy replied.

“When we left the pub, instead of the way I usually walk home, I cut across the railway to get home a bit quicker, I’d had a good drink after all.”

“Well there was this girl tied to the tracks, so I untied her and took her home with me”

“What happened then?” His mates demanded.

“Well I had sex with her all night until I was exhausted. I had her on the sofa, I had her on the kitchen table and then I took her to bed with me and carried on some more”.

“You lucky bastard”, said one of his mates, “did you get a blow job?

“No”, He said “I never found her head”

Barmaid

A Pub Landlord advertises for a new barmaid and is delighted to receive applications from three equally suitable candidates for the job.
He calls them all in to see him and at the end of each interview he asks each one the same single question.

“If you were cleaning the bar once it was closed for the night and found a ten pound note on the floor, what would you do with it?”

The first candidate replied “I would place the money in the till. You have been kind enough to give me a job and I am happy with my wage. The money is yours.”

The second candidate replied “I would place the money in the till and take five pounds out for myself. That way we are splitting the money, and thats only fair.”

The third candidate replied “I would keep the money. Its a perk of doing the most menial task and, as such, it is my right to keep any money I find.”

Which one got the job? .........




The one with the biggest tits.

Crocodile Guts

A guy walked into a bar with a pet crocodile by his side. He put the crocodile up on the bar and turned to the astonished patrons.

“I’ll make you a deal. I’ll open this croc’s mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the croc will close his mouth for one minute. He’ll then open his mouth and I’ll remove my tackle undamaged. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink.”

The crowd murmured their approval.

The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the crocodile’s open mouth.

The croc closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the croc hard on the top of its head. It opened his mouth and the man removed his member, unscathed as promised.

The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks was delivered.

The man stood up again and made another offer. “I’ll pay anyone $100 who’s willing to give it a try.” A hush fell over the crowd.

After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A blonde woman timidly spoke up, “I’ll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle.”

Bus Accident

There was a terrible bus accident. Unfortunately, no one survived the accident except a monkey, which was on board, and there were no witnesses. The police try to investigate further but they get no results. At last, they try to interrogate the monkey. The monkey seems to respond to their questions with gestures. Seeing that, they start asking the questions.

The police chief asks, "What were the people doing on the bus?"

The monkey shakes his head in a condemning manner and starts dancing around; meaning the people were dancing and having fun.

The chief asks, "Yeah, but what else were they doing?”

The monkey uses his hand and takes it to his mouth as if holding a bottle.

The chief says, "Oh! They were drinking, huh?" The chief continues, "Okay, were they doing anything else?"

The monkey nods his head and moves his mouth back and forth, meaning they were talking.

The chief loses his patience, "If they were having such a great time, which was driving the stupid bus then?"

The monkey cheerfully swings his arms to the sides as if grabbing a wheel.

Do you see?

One day a 6 year old girl was sitting in a classroom. The teacher was going to explain evolution to the children.

The teacher asked a little boy: Tommy do you see the tree outside?

TOMMY: Yes.

TEACHER: Do you see the grass outside?

TOMMY: Yes.

TEACHER: Go outside and look up and see if you can see the sky.

TOMMY: Okay. (He returned a few minutes later) Yes, I saw the sky.

TEACHER: Did you see God?

TOMMY: No.

TEACHER: That's my point. We can't see God because he isn't there. He doesn't exist.

A little girl spoke up and wanted to ask the boy some questions. The teacher agreed and the little girl asked the boy: Tommy, do you see the tree outside?

TOMMY: Yes.

LITTLE GIRL: Tommy do you see the grass outside?

TOMMY: Yessssss (getting tired of the questions by this time).


LITTLE GIRL: Did you see the sky?

TOMMY: Yessssss

LITTLE GIRL: Do you see the teacher?

TOMMY: Yes

LITTLE GIRL: Do you see her brain?

TOMMY: No

LITTLE GIRL: Then according to what we were taught today in school, she must not have one!

Male Pharmacist, please

A man went into a pharmacy and asked to talk to a male pharmacist.

The woman he was talking to said that she was the pharmacist and that she and her sister owned the store, so there were no males employed there. She then asked if there was something she could help the gentleman with.

The man said "this is embarrassing for me, but I have a permanent erection which causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment. I was wondering what you could give me for it?"

The pharmacist said "Just a minute, I'll go talk to my sister."

When she returned, she said, "the best we can do is 1/3 ownership in the store and $3000 a month in living expenses."

Fattie onDiet

An extremely obese man shows up at his doctor's office and claims that he's tried every possible way to lose weight, to no avail. So the doctor proposes a radical diet: rectal feeding. Reassuring the fattie that he won't starve to death, the doctor explains that he can actually take in enough nutrients through the rectal walls to sustain life, but that he's sure to lose weight in the process.

Three weeks later the patient comes in for a follow-up appointment, and he's down from 360 to a trim 175 pounds. The doctor shows him into his office and asks him how he's feeling, noticing that he's bouncing up and down in his seat quite ergetically.

"I'm feeling great, doc; never felt better!" is the reply.

"In that case, why are you bouncing up and down like that?" asked the doctor.

"Just chewing some gum!"

After looking for love in all the wrong places, a man returns from eastern Europe and is feeling very ill. He goes to see his doctor, and is immediately rushed to the Hospital to undergo tests.

The man wakes up after the tests in a private room at the hospital. No one is around but the phone by his bed. and it rings.

"This is your doctor. We've had the results back from your tests and we've found you have an extremely contagious and nasty STD called 'G.A.S.H.' It's a combination of Gonorrhea, AIDS, Syphilis, and Herpes!"

"Oh, my gosh," cried the man, "What are you going to do, doctor?"

"Well, we're going to put you on a diet of pizzas, pancakes, and pita bread."

"Will that cure me???" asked the man.

The doctor replied, "Well no, but....they're the only foods we can get under the door."

Free Contest

Bill and Tom drove to a petrol station for a fill-up because they heard about a contest being offered by the station to customers who purchase a full tank.

When they went inside to pay, the men asked the attendant about the contest.


“How do we enter?” asked Bill.

“Well it’s very simple,” replied the attendant, “I’m thinking of a number between 1-10, if you guess right, you win free sex.”

“O.K. I guess 7, ” said Bill.

“Sorry, I was thinking of 8,” responded the attendant. “Come back soon and try again”

The next week, the two men returned to the same station to get petrol.

When they went inside to pay, this time Tom asked the attendant if the contest was still going on.

“Sure,” replied the attendant. “I’m thinking of a number between 1-10, if you guess right. You win free sex.”

“In that case I guess 2,” said Tom.

“Sorry, I was thinking of 3,” replied the attendant. “Come back soon and try again.”

As they walked back to the car, Bill said, “You know what Tom, I’m beginning to think this contest is rigged.”

“No way,” said Tom, “My wife won twice last week!”

Fifteen things to pass on to your daughters

1. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers.

2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks-out? You shut the door behind him.

3. If they can put a man on the moon -- they should put them all up there.

4. Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out alone.

5. Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway.

6. Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so we can tell them apart.

7. Definition of a bachelor; a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.

8. Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types.

9. Best way to get men to do something, is to suggest they are too old for it.

10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.

12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.

13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him cheque books.

14. Remember, a sense of humour does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his.

15. Sadly, all men are created equal.

A Marine and A French Lady

The train was packed, and the U. S. Marine Walked the entire length looking for a seat, but a well-dressed, Middle-aged, French woman's poodle took the Only seat remaining.

The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat."

The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was Under that dog."Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired."She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!"

The next time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little Dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down.

The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honor! Put this American In his place !"

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, "Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand, you drive your vehicles on the wrong side of the road. And now, Sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window.